awakenings

So, I wasn’t looking. Nope. I swear I wasn’t. Holding the space, working on my own personal development, defining my new existence. All that good stuff. I’m solid and standing strong on my own. Yup.

[You’re a smart group of folks. Pretty damn sharp from what I’ve been able to reckon thus far. Not much gets past ya’ll. Can you guess where this is going? If you’re the betting type, I can hook you up with a good bookie…]

Last night I went out with J, and let me tell you – we had an utterly fabulous time. We hit the country bar again, and I two-stepped with some great dancers (the difference between tripping over my feet like an idiot and working the floor like a pro, I have discovered, is choosing a partner who really knows how to lead. A strong lead makes all the difference in the world). I even tried a little line dancing (Tush Push anyone?). I’m pretty sure I looked like a complete ass, but at least I was as ass who was having fun.

[Here, let me hook you up with some music to set the mood for the story. Every good tale needs a soundtrack…]

I know, I know, it sounds cheesy as hell (and lets be real, it absolutely is) but I always have a good time at this place. It’s low pressure, completely unpretentious, great random mix of people and pretty chill, without that sleazy bar feeling. Besides, I think that (much to my surprise) I’m developing a liking for girls with big belt buckles and cowbody hats. What’s not to like about that?

So, there was a girl there, but I bet you already knew there would be, because – like I said– you’re smart like that.

[Of course, being that it was a lesbian bar, and that I set up the story fairly well, I suppose it was a pretty safe bet…]

Yes indeed, there was a girl.

I actually met her a few weeks ago, and liked her immediately – but it was just a few days after things went down (or downhill, perhaps I should say?) with e. I was quietly hoping she would be there last night, and actually got a little jolt of excitement when I saw her.

[Her name begins with S, but since there is already an S. who features rather prominently in this blog, I’ll just call her ‘the girl’]

We chatted a bit, and danced once I think– and then J. danced with her. When my dear friend got off the dance floor she looked at me sheepishly drunkenly and confessed that she might have accidentally purposely told the girl that I thought she was hot. Apparently the girl said that she thought I was hella cute, and J. (dear friend that she is) told her that I was also hella single. She responded that she was also hella single….and with that helpful lead-in there was eye contact, and smiles and more great dancing and conversation.

And she kinda asked me out, and I kinda asked her out, and we exchanged the all important myspace page info and let me tell you, I was a little giddy. It was fun to feel that way – things with e. began with intensity and ended with intensity and there was no lighthearted giddiness to be found at any point. This was a reminder of how fun and totally without pressure or seriousness the very beginning of anything can be.

After the bar closed J (on the power of three jagerbombers, damn Red Bull) decided she wasn’t ready to go home. There was a brief discussion of after hours dancing at a gay boy country bar, but ultimately we all decided to head to Gay Denny’s to get our grease fix (yes indeed, we have a Gay Denny’s – or Jenny’s as it’s called by those in the know). Everyone should have a Gay Denny’s.

All was well until J started talking about her children, and I mentioned that I have kids as well. And maybe I’m being paranoid, but I think I felt a shift in her attitude. I might have been totally imagining things, and I hope I was.

For the first time I really started to consider the fact that my kids might be an issue for me and some of the women I would like to date. They certainly became an issue for e. in the end – and I’m sure it won’t be the last time the fact that I am a mother affects my dating potential.

Let’s be honest, if my children are an issue – what of my entire situation….

“Hi, I’m Jen. Not only do I have two young children who take up much of my time and energy, but until six months ago I was still pretending to be straight as an arrow. I’ve kissed just two women, and only slept with one in an utterly drama filled quasi-relationship that just ended on a bad note– but what I lack in experience I promise I make up for with enthusiasm. Yes siree. I’m enthusiastic. Oh yes, you should know that I still live with my husband. Not my ex-husband – we’re still totally and completely married and likely to stay that way for a while because for several reasons I don’t want to get into right now.  But don’t worry – we don’t share a bedroom…anymore. That was so last month. We’re just like roommates, except we had sex for 11 years and made two babies together. Oh…before I forget, I don’t actually have a job, or any source of income – and once I’m sugar daddy stops supporting me, I’m pretty much up shit creek….”

Clearly, I’m a real baggage-free catch. What woman wouldn’t want me?

But I think maybe I could like this girl. She’s cute as hell. She has a great smile and kind eyes. She’s an amazing dancer. Her favorite book is Dostoevsky’s The Idiot. She loves poetry. Her skin is amazingly soft. I don’t usually react to people that quickly – but I had butterflies when I first met her, I had major butterflies last night, and I have butterflies today wondering if she’ll still call.

Obviously, if a woman is turned off by the very fact that I have children, she’s clearly not the woman for me. I am not wholly defined by my children, or by my role as their mother. I am a strong, intelligent, bold, funny, talented woman with so much to offer to a relationship – but my children (and my past) are a part of the package. I know this, and the people I am really meant to date will recognize this as well.

At the very least I think I’ve met someone who could be a fun friend, and a kick-ass dance partner, but I’m hoping I get the chance to see if it might be a little something more.

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.*

*On that note. God – I can’t believe I’m dating again. I last dated when I was 21. 21 years old, people. I was a babe in the woods. And I was dating boys. I’m 32 now. That was a LONG time ago and this is a whole new world, and we’re talking about a really cute girl here. I don’t remember how to do this. When do I call? Do I wait for her to call? Will she call? Shit. I think I’m too old for this craziness.

I have to admit that I swiped this video from the inimitable Dorothy, but I can hardly be blamed for not resisting.

First, it’s part of the speechless campaign, second – it involves at least the suggestion of lesbian action, and third – have I mentioned the fact that I’ve had a mad crush on Maggie Gyllenhaal for like, ever and ever? Because I have, and I do, and I lurve her.

Enjoy.

I have to stand up now, unflinchingly and resolutely, and say yes, I did this thing. I cannot hide from it. I cannot deny it. I cannot escape it. Why did I do it? Why did I betray everything that was solid and real, for something that is ultimately as intangible and elusive as the wind?

“So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
So they can tell me I was wrong…”

You want to know the truth? You want to know the part of this where my guilt takes root and grows until it threatens to overwhelm, my truest confession…

I don’t regret it. I cannot regret it. I will not regret it. I cannot even fathom speaking of regret because it felt like everything in my life had spiraled to that exact point in time. It spiraled to a point as sharp as the blade of a sword that sliced into my skin and left the thinnest line of blood-red desire. Spiraled till the edges blurred and my head was spinning and I could see with a clarity that was so brilliant that it was blinding.

I did it because I NEEDED it. I needed it like I had never experienced need before in my life.

[And, when it all comes down to it, doesn’t that sound like the biggest crock-of-shit-justification for bad behavior that you’ve ever heard?]

I made a choice that wasn’t ever a choice at all. I was in the most egocentric, selfish, self-centered place I have ever been. I needed, I needed, I needed. And my need came at the expense of his heart. My wholeness at the expense of his brokenness, of OUR brokenness. There is no justification or excuse or explanation that could even begin to cover it, and I have to own it. I have to own it like I’ve never owned anything before in my life.

“But they weren’t there beneath your stare,
And they weren’t stripped ’till they were bare
Of any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren’t taken by the hand and led through fields
Of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away…
So I couldn’t say “no”.”

Truly, I couldn’t say no. If I am going to a place of deepest honesty (and that is what I promised myself I would do when I started this blog) I never really, truly considered saying no. Not once we were in that space, with nothing between us but that spinning, spiraling, all-consuming need and want.

In that moment, every should-have, could-have, would-have disappeared until there was only me… and her.

Her.

I have not written much about her, about this person that I didn’t even know a few months ago and who has now become a forever part of the narrative of my life.

HER.

Perhaps it is too immediate, too entangled, too NOW to write of at this point. Perhaps it won’t ever feel safe to share. Somehow, although I feel comfortable sharing the most intimate details of this transition here, what is between her and I (this undefined, unconfirmed, uncertain something) feels too intimate, too delicate, too fragile to release right now.

But what can I say about it without feeling I am sharing what should not be shared? What can I say that honors what this has been for me, without glossing over the less-than-pretty bits?

It is glimpses of potential and wisdom imparted and lessons learned. It is tenderness and frustration and protectiveness and expectations and growth and softness and electricity and never feeling truly on balance where she is concerned. It is build up, and it is let down. It is hope-against-hope, and the universe telling me to stay still, sit tight, remain open. It is me trying hard to listen and learn and just ride it to the end. It is intense attitude and occasionally unguarded eyes full of all the secrets in the whole wide world. It is putting up walls and tearing them down, it is softness and it is toughness, fighting not to care and diving into attachment. It is laughing and it is tears and it is struggling to understand. It is a beautiful paradox, and a painful one. It is everything standing in the way, and nothing between us at all.

The only certainty about what it is, is actually more about what it isn’t. It is not forever, or even for much longer – it was created on a foundation of understood impermanence. She leaves this place in a few short weeks, not planning to return. She has her own journey, her own places to go, her own battles to fight.

So, she will leave, and I will stay. And no matter if I one day wish I didn’t, I will always carry a part of her with me. And honestly, in spite of it all, right now that feels really, really good.

Complete Lyrics
They Weren’t There – Missy Higgins

You breathed infinity into my world
And time was lost up in a cloud and in a whirl.
We dug a hole in the cool grey earth and lay there for the night.
Then you said, “wait for me we’ll fly the wind,
We’ll grow old and you’ll be stronger without him” but oh,
Now my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,
But I was alive and now I’ve drowned.
So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
So they can tell me I was wrong…

But they weren’t there beneath your stare,
And they weren’t stripped ’till they were bare of
Any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren’t taken by the hand
And led through fields of naked land
Where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away…
So I couldn’t say “no”.

You sighed and I was lost in you, weeks could’ve past for all I knew.
You were there blanket of the over-world and so I couldn’t say,
I wouldn’t say “no”. But they all said, “you’re too young to even know,
Just don’t let it grow and you’ll be stronger without him”
But oh, now, my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,
But I was alive and now I’ve drowned.
So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
So they can tell me I was wrong…

But they weren’t there beneath your stare,
And they weren’t stripped ’till they were bare
Of any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren’t taken by the hand and led through fields
Of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away…

But they weren’t there beneath your stare,
And they weren’t stripped ’till they were bare
Of any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren’t taken by the hand and led through fields
Of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away…
So I couldn’t say “no”.

Missy Higgins: Where I Stood

Where I Stood”

I don’t know what I’ve done
Or if I like what I’ve begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it’s all or none

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

‘Cos I don’t know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
‘Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain’t leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

‘Cos I don’t know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
‘Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won’t be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

‘Cos I don’t know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
‘Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood