Pivotal Moments
28 Mar
(there is not one moment, over the past two and a half years, that hasn’t in some way played a role in bringing me to where i am today. This, of course, is true of all of us, of all our lives. But all of us, looking back, can see with clarity that some of those moments were game changers, deal breakers, where a seismic shift occurred and the terrain of our lives were forever changed. This, for me, was one of those moments}
The night comes back to me in flashes….
Downtown restaurant. Trendy music pounding on overhead speakers.
Pomegranate martini, tart and strong, filled to almost overflowing. My eyes water on the first drink and a splash spills across my hand and on the table. My fingers are sticky.
A shared plate, salad with field greens, chicken, cashews, berries, manchego cheese – layers of subtle flavor pleasing my mouth.
My dear one across from me, tightly sprung curls surrounding an angel face.
My questions echoed in her kind eyes.
She is tentative, guiding me towards truth. Saying what she sees with no pressure or expectation.
She knows this space. She knows me. Better than anyone.
Her words ‘it is like the ocean’ unleash a longing in me I do not think I will ever be able to answer.
~~~
Later – the parking lot of a gay bar, found via google:
I’m too afraid to go in.
Women enter and leave, I think outloud ‘they don’t look like me. I don’t look like them’.
My head is down. I feel alone and uncertain.
I catalog my heels and makeup and all this fucking effort against them, the way they seemed to exist outside of a world that has always demanded my assimilation.
The way they move suggests to me that they know who they are.
I wish badly that I did.
Shaking my head, pulling out of the parking lot.
Not ready yet.
~~~
Later: another bar, some random dive across the street from the bar we were looking for but never found.
More drinks. Something pink and sweet.
The bartender is transgender, or a cross-dresser, or a drag queen. I don’t know which. I am reminded how small my world is, how little I know.
Flashing LED light show on the dance floor. People watching. Texting. Giggling.
A girl. Tall and thin, sleek short hair. Skinny jeans. Young and chic.
My eyes following her. Laughter and teasing threaded with undercurrent of danger and boundaries that must not be crossed.
My dear one reminding me of what I already know.
My heart pounding and head spinning in a way that is beginning to feel familiar
~~~
Later: In her car
She pushes me. She knows she has to. Makes me admit, makes me see. Makes me speak.
Grabs me by the shoulders and turns me around and forces me to face this truth.
I can’t catch my breath.
Sobbing in her arms. Wailing. Fists pounding. Fighting so hard against all of it.
I’M NOT READY. I DON’T WANT THIS. I’M NOT READY. I DON’T WANT THIS.
I can’t do this.
It hurts. It fucking hurts. I CANNOT breathe.
The ground collapses beneath my feet and I wonder how on earth I will take one more step forward.
It feels like hours that I cry. Cry like I never have before. My head hurts. My heart implodes.
~~~
Later – home:
My head spins. The drinks and my emotions combine. Emotional Inebriation. Dangerous.
Fuck…it’s all dangerous now.
I bang into the walls on the way down the hallway.
He is there. He is always there. I always want him there.
I don’t remember what I say, just what I don’t say.
What remains unsaid always seems to be the most important part.
This is where the undoing begins….
Wow. So many emotions I have felt, but mostly alone. Not with a girl. Not with anyone. I remember the day I peaked into the gay bar, ready to go in, but feeling SO incredibly out of place and self conscious. Pretended to be looking for someone. Left. Then, again, later, went in and sang a song on karaoke. Left again, scared of what could become if I stayed.
Thank you for this.
I know that feeling.. “None of them look like me” Like the poster above, these are emotions I too have felt alone. I hope you are feeling more at peace at this time. Blessings…
“this is where the undoing begins” – yes, always in what is not said, what is not done.
I was alone too, like L. What a journey.
Sorry, like Tasha. Missed the multiple commenters.
Wow, you have said it all so beautifully, so painfully, so accurately. Your writing is so real and intense. Thank you for sharing it with us.
I see you haven’t written anything since March! When can we expect another entry? I love reading your blog.
You know, I used to feel more out of place at gay bars than now. I used to be more self-conscious of my femininity…long hair, waif, etc..I look like a sorority girl (heck, I WAS a sorority girl)…but I’ve chocked it up to the fact that if they can’t believe I’m serious the way that I am, screw them. I also realized that what it is “acceptable” for lesbians to look like has a lot to do with geography. I had no prob in LA, New York, and as I’ve gotten a bit more mature I realize that a lot of women out there look like me….and appreciate it too. Great piece.
oh, you’d likely not be able to tell any of this from my blog…