words :: revisited
4 Feb
{on my desk sits a black fabric journal. it is a plain, ordinary, nondescript book. from the outside, it looks as if it could not possibly hold anything important. only I know that it holds the most valuable thing I possess. my story.}
5.20.09
Ever since I read these words they have been swirling through my mind. How I wish I had this one and a half years ago and could have sent it out into the cosmos to the people that mattered.
I would have taken those words and wrapped them in layers of my heart and dropped them like fairy dust over the houses of my loves. I would have attached words of my own so my voice could have whispered through the wind and lodged in their hearts so they would know what I could not say.
I have to go away now, for a little bit. I wish I didn’t, but I have to. This is a lonely journey, you see, and it is impossible for me to be lonely with you in my life.
Please understand (I would plead) Please don’t leave me, even though I am leaving you. I could not bear it if you did. I need you so much, especially right now, when I am not able to accept any of the loveliness you have to give.
I cannot take for granted that you will be here when I return. I cannot be so arrogant as to assume that once tucked away on a shelf you’ll be willing to be brought back out on my timeline. And oh, how that frightens me.
But, you see, I’m going to be doing things that I don’t want witnessed. Chasing and facing demons that are mine alone. I’m going to be flying and lying and climbing and crashing and dismantling and I cannot bear your kind eyes on me while I do. I cannot know you are watching while I bring forth self destruction and devastation in the name of survival. I love you too much.
I am not strong enough to walk this any way but alone. I need to know that I can walk it alone.
I will be back. I pray I will be back. All I can do is hope, with everything I have, that you will be here when I return.
~~~
The relationships I walked away from then, the most precious of my life, are still being rebuilt. They are – in many spots – still tender, and tentative, and there is much trust to regain. Every now and then something happens, and I realize how much I still have to make up for. I hope that I can.
You truly are amazing. I read once in a Sufi poem, the greatest thing a human being can do is forgive, forgive, forgive. I felt so inspired by you a few days ago that I started my own blog this morning. No followers yet but it’s still cathartic for me to do it. Drop in sometime, I can use all the supporters.
You touch me
Ciao bella
Hey you, I have submitted my correct email address. Sorry for the confusion.
I love that blog entry you linked to. Thank you for that, it actually explains a lot about something I’m going through right now. And about the need for patience with myself…
Sending you love and light – the kind of natural light you love.
It’s me “cyclist” the email address you left on AJ bounced back to me. Will you send me an email so that I have your correct address?