“THIS IS AWESOME”! =)

I didn’t make any huge declarations to the world this year on October 11th (intended to tell my sister, but totally chickened out), but I’ve been taking baby steps in that direction every so slowly but surely over the past few months.  I don’t think I’ve ever spent so much time carefully considering my friendships and relationships, wondering who to let in, and when to do it. 

Feeling as vulnerable as I do, I feel the need to be careful right now with whom I invite to witness this first part of my journey.  At the same time, knowing this, and acknowledging this – there is a huge part of me that wants to shout it from the rooftops. 

It is HARD living this double life.  I have no idea how people do it, living in the closet for years and years – holding this all inside.   It has been less than three months for me, and I already find myself avoiding those who do not know.  At the same time, I feel myself clinging to the people that do know for dear life.  Without that inner circle walking by my side with friendship, support and love, I believe I would have lost my mind already.

It is so hard to go through life feeling as if only a small handful of people know who I really am.  I always strive to live with authenticity in all that I say and do – and for the past few months I feel anything but authentic in most situations.  The pressure of trying to be two different people is immense, and I long to integrate both parts of me publicly and be done with it.    At times, it gets so bad I feel as if I am crawling out of my own skin, and I hear the screams in my head “Just say it!  Just tell them already”. 

Somehow the reality seems a lot harder than it should – not because I am embarrassed or ashamed (on the contrary, I am proud and solid and so good with it).  Not even because I’m worried about how people will react (I have the most amazing people in my life).but because it seems so hard to find the right space in conversation to drop that particular bombshell.  Because I hate the idea of dealing with the inevitable questions.  Because I don’t relish being the topic of gossip until the next big topic of conversation comes around.

Who do I tell?  When do I tell them?  What do I say?  Do I set up purposeful meetings and explain in depth in a series of quiet conversations with the people who matter the most?  Do I find a space in the middle of playgroup chit-chat to say “Pass the peanut covered pretzels and by the way, I’m pretty sure I’m gay”?  Do I tell someone and just let the grapevine do its work?

I also worry about my husband, and want to do this in a way that is most respectful to the journey he is currently on – one he never wanted or expected to take.   I want my coming out process to honor him in the best way I possibly can.  He is a private person, and I know that knowing people are talking about him and feeling sorry for him would be very hard to take.  I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed around my friends – so that just adds another layer to an already complex process.

However and whenever it happens, it will happen.  This ball is rolling now, picking up momentum as it goes – and I wouldn’t want to stop it, even if I could.  I look forward to the day that everyone who matters to me knows everything – and I am able to step fully into this new person I am becoming.  Until then, I work hard to let this unfold as it should, to not hinder it, nor rush it along, and to learn what I can along the way.

I found this video by chance, on the front page of YouTube on October 11th.  I loved what she had to say, and wanted to share it here.